Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Goodbye 2008

so it is time again to bid farewell to another year gone.

People are stocking their bars, and planning their resolutions as we speak.

New Years is a time to begin again and start fresh on a clean slate. It's a time when, at least here, there is white pure snow on the ground to symbolize our fresh start.

New Years is also a time for countdowns and so here is mine from the year 2008 in random order and random thought process, from my own random life and the world...... because....well....I'm RANDOM!

I always start with the bad news because it reminds me that I end up happy :)

5 bad things of 2008 according to moi

the Lakeland "revival" - I am personally so glad it's over, I mean that much heresy in one state should be illegal even in our crazy world. well that and I got tired of people telling me to go there to get healed, did you ever notice that people are happy to tell you where  to go get healed but they don't give you the money  to do it. So I am supposed to combine the "miracle" of extra cash to throw around with the "miracle" of hedonistic prayer "revivals"...........oh I am getting so sick just thinking about it.......I think my lunch just made a revival.

- the brutal murder of Brent Martin, a man with a developmental disability who was killed in the UK by three teens who just wanted to "practise" and show off their newly learned boxing skills. I'd like to "practise" shooting them out of a cannon.

- my chronic pain got worse and ....well.....chronic. I learned much about the uncaring, unprofessional, unintellegent medical profession and their incompetencies

- Robert Latimer, a man who killed his daughter who had Cerebral Palsy was released from jail after only serving partial sentencing for the 1993 crime, I wonder if he would have recieved so short a sentence if he had murdered a "normal" child...oh and the wonderful icing on the cake is that he now lives in my province!! too close! too close! run away Robby, buh and bye! 

- my dear sweet friend Bernie passed away in the spring, she was as much a mystery in life as her death was. I miss you Bernie Balogna

5 good things of 2008 according to moi

- people are still having babies with downs syndrome, at the beginning of this year all signs pointed to an annihilation of people with Downs through genetically creating designer babies, but it didn't happen and that signifies hope for me that somehow, somewhere, people are getting the message that life is precious and so is difference.

- I started to read the bible more fervently and actually bought my very first study bible!! wow I feel so growned up!!

- I won a contest, for a video I entered, at a chronic illness community website  that I belong to and I was in several radio shows speaking about the important topic of patient advocacy

- the disability world came together to support protests about the horrible language and degredation of people with developmental disabilities in the movie tropic thunder, it was a huge movement and it was very exciting to see so many mobilized.

- I spoke at a national convention in Chicago in July and I was even payed to be there! It was very exciting for me to speak with other parents who have little children diagnosed with the same thing I have.

All together it has been a great year and I can see many ways that the Father is drawing me closer to Him. God is good!

It is my sincere hope that your new year is filled with joy, happiness and a little hardship to help you appreciate the good times that much more.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Monday, December 29, 2008


I hate being censored.

I find a lot of people with disabilities are censored.

I find a lot of wemen in pain are censored, told it's hysteria.

I am a generally positive person but occassionally when life gets the best of me and I can't take it anymore, I say how I am feeling.

A problem arose this week when my status in the social networking site called facebook said " _____ is in a lot of pain tonight :("

one of my friends (I will not say who, she is a friend I met on the internet and maybe doesn't know me very well) sent me a message saying I could complain about ANYTHING other than disability or pain related. I know she was just trying to help me be positive but sometimes people need to be allowed to feel bad. sometimes people just need to be able to cry and have someone hold their hand, whether physically or cyberly.

So the next time that someone tells you they are feeling bad, even if they have been feeling bad for a long time, just trust them and sympathise and ask if there is anything that you can do for them.

We all know the message of Job and how harsh his friends and wife were.

don't be like them

I am sure I will have more to say about this but that is all I wanna say at the moment.

Soli Deo Gloria

Saturday, December 27, 2008


"Bitterness and regret are habitual disabilities that reinforce themselves, they take moments and twist them into horrible shapes, they take expectations and form them into threats, they feed on fear and feast on terror."

This is from a favorite blog that I read called Chewing the Fat by David Hingsburger that I wanted to share.

I have been facing some of my own regrets myself this week and although they were not made by anyone but me, it is very disabling to not be able to move out of fear of more regrets.

SO I am disabled in more ways than one, but at least this one I can do something about.

I intend to pray and read my bible and grow as a person from this week and it's upsets (again made by me) and to see all the beautiful things that are around me.

There are so many great things happening in my life, I am dating a wonderful guy that I totally do not deserve. I can only say that it was God that brought us together and nothing that we did or deserve! Praise God!

I had 2 hours pain free on Christmas day as well, that was a beautiful present. You know how you get a gift that is really precious and maybe down the road it breaks or gets misplaced or stolen, you still have the memory of it and that is how I feel about my good moments, they are treasures from God.

I have such good and understanding friends and I am a very thankful girl, I try to be always and I hope it shows.

Soli Deo Gloria

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas is alive!

I meant to write this earlier and didn't.

I wasn't going to because Christmas is "over" (well not really in my opinion)

but then I keep thinking about it, so maybe it is my push to write it. Sometimes I need a big push but God is faithful.

Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Merry Festivus, Happy day-off-work.

Sometimes I think Christmas is not alive in our secular world, it is alive in my heart and in the hearts of many of our lives but not "out there".

but maybe I am wrong..........

In the past week leading up to Christmas, I have seen signs in major stores saying "Merry Christmas", I have heard cashiers say "Merry Christmas" as I leave. I have heard "Merry Christmas" from other shoppers if I happen to bump into them or vice versa (I am not very graceful walking at times) even radio announcers have been heard to say "Merry Christmas".

not Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, Merry Festivus, Happy day-off-work.

Christmas is alive in my town. Is it in yours?

Soli Deo Gloria

Unexpected blessings

I got a wonderful unexpected gift yesterday.

As many of you will know, I have chronic pain, well yesterday I was going around the corner in my town from my friends house to my own because I had forgotten something.

As a person with chronic pain, I can sometimes semi-tune out my pain, it's still there but it isn't the forefront of my mind, but it's always there and I always feel it.

Yesterday I was going back to my home to get a Christmas music CD I wanted to share, then as I got to my door I noticed my gift.

I had no pain.


WOW! Praise God for that wonderful Christmas gift!! I was pain free for almost 2 hours, I dunno why, but I don't need to know. It was not an anonamous gift.

I think the memory of those 2 hours of unrestricted movement and playing with my friend's children will stay with me for sometime.

I am not upset to be in pain again as you might think. With a small break, I can endure and perservere, as long as God is by my side, I will never fear.

I hope you had a blessed and wonderful Christmas time with friends and family.

Merry Christmas!

Soli Deo Gloria

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry CHRISTmas!

Merry Christmas! I hope the wonder of the infant saviour's birth fills you with joy!

I have been taking a blog holiday but hope to be back posting daily soon.

Warmest wishes to you and your family.

Soli Deo Gloria

Friday, December 19, 2008

I will be away this weekend.

I didn't want any of my friends who read this blog to worry that I was laying in a ditch somewhere! :)

Just a quick note:

I am astounded by the grace upon grace that is pouring into my life from God. Yes, I am still sick. Yes, I am still disabled. I have just been experiencing something that could only be planned by God.

I will try to write while I am away and maybe I will be able to post multiple entries upon my return.

Have a blessed weekend!

Soli Deo Gloria

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
- Helen Keller

I am just feeling thankful for good friends. I had really messed up with a friend of mine this week and in the midst of my talking to him about it, he sent this quote to me. I feel blessed and joyful to feel forgiveness and love from people.

I haven't always experienced love in my life and it seems a bit foreign to me, but I am learning.

God loves me so much to send me so many good friends who help and strengthen and put up with me! 

I am indeed a joyful girl today. I am thankful you are here with me, reading my words. They aren't much and they sure are random but I am hoping that you get something out of it.

Please pray for me as I am waiting for test results and have to go for another test tonight. I am not afraid because I know nothing will happen to me that God doesn't allow, but I feel a bit worried all the same.

Soli Deo Gloria

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

bookworm questions

Please answer this if you have time, if you don't have time I feel really bad for you.

Aside from the bible, what is the most influencial book you have read and why?

What is your favorite book you have read just for fun/enjoyment?

I think one of mine is the book I am reading right now called "surprised by suffering" because it uses biblical means to explain that God uses suffering for His Glory.

My fav for fun is anything Anne of Green Gables or anything by Guy Gavriel Kay.

Soli Deo Gloria 

Monday, December 15, 2008

Joy revisited

ok ok I get it! I am listening!! This was in my church bulletin on Sunday:

"Joy is a condition of the heart. It flows deeper than happiness and can be present even when life seems too hard to handle. In my spiritual practice of deep intentional breathing, joy is often what I sink into when I feel scattered or pulled in too many directions. It is the place where "heaven and nature sing", as in our hymn "Joy to the World."

Joy can be the wind dancing over our faces while we share a toboggan ride, or a quiet walk in the woods with only the trees speaking and our hearts celebrating all of creation. Never underestimate the strength of deep, God-gifted joy."

So obviously that was not enough of a shove in the right direction that I then got to see and experience profound joy.

There is a man who goes to my church. I know him very well and he is great to be around. Today I watched him have an epiphany of sorts I think. He has a developmental disability and sometimes he uses a wheelchair but yesterday he was walking, which was very nice to see.

So he was sitting near me and the church was really full, so great to see a full church! Now this particular man does not speak often but has the loudest, most infectious laugh in the world.

You could tell he loved church.

You could tell he loved people.

You could tell he loved God.

So at one point he was looking at the front cover of the bulletin, where there was a lovely picture of two children on a toboggan, and then he looked at mine and then he had this quizical look on his face for a moment and then he grabbed my paper, looked again at his and mine, put them one on top of each other, then pulled them apart again. Looked at me and looked at the papers again,

Then he said "SAME!" and laughed.

He grabbed the paper from the gentlemen beside him. Same process, look at them side by side, together and apart, look at the person.

Then he said "SAME!" and laughed.

He stole the paper from a new family in front of him. The kids were a bit frieghtened for a minute, then he laughed. All was well again. 

Then he said "SAME!" and laughed.

Think he did it with several people around us always with the identical result.

"SAME!" laugh.

A very joyful man made even more joyful. And I have to say I agree with him in his statement or at least what I percieve of his statement. 

Indeed, BELONGING makes us JOYFUL

Soli Deo Gloria

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Welcome to RAG's cooking show!

I don't live with my family but I live with a bunch of really nice people.

On Sundays we have a meal together and today is my turn to cook.

I'm Canadian and something that is a really big treat for most of the people in my household is to have a roast of venison or deer. I don't eat it myself but I don't mind cooking it and I thought I would share the recipie with you. All the measurements are guesses! I don't measure anything!

It also takes about 3 days to make, though it is totally not hard, I made up the recipie myself!

 Mystery-girl's orange glazed venison

1 cup orange marmelade 

1/2 c hickory (or favorite semi-spicy) BBQ sauce

1/4 c vegetable or olive oil

1 c white vinegar

2 T montreal steak spice or similiar spice mix

1 t of garlic powder or 1 clove minced

1/4 c soya sauce

fresh cracked pepper and sea salt to taste.

1) I take my roast out and thaw for 24 hours in a brine of 1/2 c sea salt and water to cover it, leave it out during the day and refridgerate at night

2) mix all the ingerdients together and let sit overnight for another night as well, not mixed with the salt water!

3) put Venison (or other roast) in a crockpot or dutch oven pour the sauce on top and refridgerate overnight

4) cook on low all day, basting occassionally if you are around :)

as you can see from the picture, the orange rind in the marmelade coats the top and makes a glaze.

I don't eat the venison but the sauce is also good on Tofu or chicken.

Well, I did warn you this blog was random but I doubt you expected cooking tips too lol.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

an unintentional poem-like substance

I'm blogging to tell you I am not blogging today (unless the desire to, hits me like a mac truck later)

I have chronic pain.

Every moment.

Every day.

Sometimes it is a little less.

Sometimes it is a little worse.

But it is always there.

Last night was a bad one.

But today will be good, Lord willing.

I choose to have a good day.

We have the choice.

But if God chooses for it to be a bad day to teach me something.

So be it.

I will bow and follow, my King and Lord into the valley because I know I am not alone.

I will go where He leads.

Because He loves me.

So I am blogging to tell you I am not blogging.

But I think I just blogged.

Soli Deo Gloria

Friday, December 12, 2008

Joy and wierdness!

I know I already blogged once today but I'm gonna do it again.

Something wierd happened last night, I mean really wierd.

My friend asked me if I was joyful, I thought he meant was I happy, which I wasn't as I had massive waves of pain knocking me over at the moment, so I said no.

Turns out he meant the biblical meaning, joyful in the Lord, in my circumstances, which I am. I am thankful God has given me so much, great friends, faith (even if it occasionally waivers the foundation is built on a rock solid basis), and is teaching me great lessons thru my illnesses. I am joyful in what God has done for me. and grateful. and totally undeserving of His grace upon grace that He pours on my head.

Then I went to read one of my favorite disability blogs, called Chewing the Fat, by David Hingsburger and he was also talking about Joy. 

ok God, I'm listening! I will be more outwardly  and inwardly joyful!

Thank you!

Soli Deo Gloria

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Books are scary!

I was in a major department store the other night and the funniest thing happened to me.

I had been perusing the book section when a shiny and soft red book with embossed ivy and  beautiful golden scrolled letters caught my eye. 

Now this is probably a great time to digress and tell you that I really enjoy books, big ones, small ones, fiction, real life, drama, nonsensical (remind me to tell you sometime about a book I have called My thesis of Bullshit hee hee) and especially fantasy. I have loved books for as long as I remember, they are safe, they allow me to be swallowed up from whatever real-life drama I may have been facing, they are friends and challengers. 

My favorite book is my ESV Study bible, it is beautiful, but after that it is fair game. I almost simultainiously drooled and jumped for joy when a friend of mine, noticing that I was reading Reformed Theology by R.C. Sproul, offered to lend me his complete collection of Spurgeon sermons! OH HAPPY DAY! 

Anyway, back to the story at hand.

This book was beautiful (ok ok I am a marketers dream!) and as I picked it up I noticed the title The Purpose of Christmas and thought oh yay, a book about the REAL meaning of Christmas without the comercialism, socialism and every other 'ism' that can possibly come with a secular Christmas. 

Then the inevitable happened, I read who the author is....

and dropped the book, jumped back in horror and eeeked in a high pitched voice!

I swear people ran at me from all directions!! I think they thought I had a fit or something! ha ha ha! 

Well that is what happens when I pick up a Rick Warren book!

I assured everyone, including my friends, that I was indeed ok, just really disliked the author. The rest of the trip was uneventful, I think my friends were glad I avoided the Osteen section! They giggled and teased me all the way home, but it was nice.

I guess it could be said that I have a "purpose driven" dislike of Rick Warren, I'll stick to my ESV thanks!

Soli Deo Gloria

ZOOOOM! a non-biblically based rant

Pretend you are walking down the street, another person is walking towards you and they have their head down, now imagine you are having a bad day, maybe your boss yelled at you, your child fought with you this morning, you have a friend who is ill or you are trying to come up with a way to get everything on your long list done. The person approaching you looks up, does a kind of half smile,half grimace and blurts out

"HI! how are you?"

you start to say "I'm fi........" 


In a heartbeat that person is gone and never really cared how you are! I think we should all try and be conscious of what greetings we use and try not to use "how are you?" unless you really mean it.

I have been experiencing some horrible pain days and today I had to go out and do some errands on my work break and about 5 people passed me and said "hihowareyou?" as they zoomed by, I just find it incredibly frustrating! I did manage not to scream at them though, so YAY! (oh and I usually answer that question in public with something random, like "PURPLE!" it tells me who is really listening! hee hee)

But then again, I am also guilty of telling people I am "fine" when I am not, which I KNOW people who really know me and really are wondering how I am doing, find incredibly frustrating for them. I'm sorry.

All I can say is this, if I have to admit everyday how crappy or in pain I might be feeling, I feel like I have less time to praise God and it's more about me, me, me. People praying and worrying about me is really sweet but I don't want my life to be about me, me, me! I want my life, my existance, my ALL to be about God and His will for me.

On a side note:

I just picked up Surprised by Suffering by R.C. Sproul today from my library and I am already enamoured with it! I am sure that it will result in many bloggings.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

healings and weakness

I touched on it briefly yesterday but today I'd like to talk about it in more depth, although I am sure it will pop up again, here and there. 

This is my view of healing. I have a lot of friends who desperately wish for me to be healed of my illnesses, disabilities or pain and they are quite often frustrated at my "I'm the same as yesterday" or "I'm alright" answer to their question "How are you?"

I have some really great, wonderful friends praying for my healing and trusting in the sovereignty of God. 

But then there are the others, people who approach me to say to me "I have prayed long and hard about your healing, how are you feeling today?"  and seem quite taken aback that I do not just jump up and do a backflip. Then sometimes they are angry and say things like "well I have done what I can do, now it is up to you to build up your faith enough to be healed"

Let me assure you that although my faith waivers and shakes at times, it is on a strong foundation of Christ, that is getting stronger everyday by God's grace alone. 

I do not need to go to the Benny Hinns or Todd Bentlys of the world, I do not need to go to worldly men for my healing, let me make it quite clear, I would rejoice in being healed but I depend on God's sovereignty and grace to decide that for me. I do believe that people can be healed, I do believe that God works wonderously in this life, but He does it.

My healing or my disability have never been up to me and I will continue to leave them in God's hands. I am happy with my life and who I am and while I would make good use of pain-free days(what is that notion?), I make good use of my days where pain is my companion as well. I love God and want to follow His will and be content in His path for me.

Paul, one of Jesus' apostles, was bothered by an ailment, whether physical or spiritual that he talks about in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So Paul prayed and asked God to remove the thorn three times and then he honoured God's will for him by being content. I wish the same, not to say I am anything like Paul in my faith, I have prayed many times for my healing and now I wish not to nag the Lord :) there are so many wonderful things to pray about in praise or horrible things to petition God's mercy in. 

"Power is made perfect in weekness"

This is a radical concept now, to say there is power in weakness in a society that praises the smartest, fastest, bravest and most beautiful. But indeed some of the most powerful people I know or admire in terms of spiritual riches or gifts of the spirit are people that are broken and weak. If our world had a day where it payed attention, I mean REALLY noticed the "weak" (the disabled, the mentally ill, the persecuted, the jailed, the homeless, the young, the old) we would be so so so much richer.

I hope this makes sense even a tiny bit to you, if you have managed to read this far into my ramblings, pat yourself on the back! 

Soli Deo Gloria.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Endurance, Character and Hope from the Word

3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. ESV bible Romans 5:3-5

This is one of my favorite quotes in the bible, one of many. As a Christian who happens to be disabled, this gives me so much to say when people from the "emergent church-type movement" ask me why I am not healed yet.
This verse clearly shows me that sometimes God gives us hardships to fortify us for upcoming obsticals. I can endure my problems easier since I rely on the hope that my life and actions and endurance glorify God.
Anyone who knows me, knows I realy dislike being called an inspiration, but I can tell you that any inspiration you may see in me is only from God and for His glory.

Endurance, Character, Hope.

I have talked to many people, without disabilities, who say if they were in my shoes they would most likely be in despair. These are three powerful words but hope is my favorite by far.

I have endurance because I have a fighting spirit that has come from God. My will to perservere in the face of adversity is shear stubbornness and will power to not only survive but THRIVE!

The American Heritage® Dictionary defines Character as
-The combination of qualities or features that distinguishes one…
most of my friends would say I have a polar opposite character as in, I am all over the map! I can be quite serious and introspective but anyone who has heard my laugh know that it is exercised very often.

"How can you be so hopeful when you are in pain all the time?" is a question I get incredibly often and my question is how can I not? For me to "be in the deapths of dispair" (as Anne Shirley would say) would not do anything for my pain and probably make it worse! When I am running low on hope I have incredible friends who will lend me some of theirs.

Thank you for reading my ramblings :)
May God bless you!