Friday, July 30, 2010

good newzes

I had a good day on Wednesday! I was still in pain but I didn't use my crutches because my arms where more sore than my legs and it would have hurt more to walk with them then without (hence the need to beg my doc for a scooter or electric chair because my arms can't push a manual chair)

I also have good news about my financial security, thank you to all of you who have been praying! I'll recap for any new friends, I used to work a full time job when I first got chronic 24/7 pain for a bout 2 years but I found that the fatique from not sleeping, the fatigue from working and the pain were just too much and I had to swallow my pride and admit defeat and go on medical leave.'ve been on medical leave since last fall and haven't had an income since March! Thankfully I am blessed that I had some money saved up so that I didn't go too far into debt. I just got approved for my long term disability through my work. I am hoping that maybe if I find a specialist that knows anything that I may be able to go back to work. I'm in a bit of a hard spot though, I can't work full time healthwise and I can't work part time and pay for my meds!! arg! fun times!! I have faith that it'll get all worked out!

I got to go out last night to my favorite store FABRICLAND and the girl there told me how to make a super cheap dressform! yay! I need to start working on my sister's wedding dress that I am making!!

I also got to chat with one of my friends on facebook last night too! It's awesome how much we have in common and how we could just prattle from one comment to the next! The conversation was great! :)

Sorry this is just a rambling post! I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well and in a much better space!

Soli Deo Gloria
REformed annon girl

PS o hai to all my new twitter friends!! :) welcome to my little corner of randomness!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

to feel or not to feel

I am hoping that by writing this out maybe I can let it go.

I met a really great guy Dec 2008 and we started dating online as he was in Virginia and I am in Canada, we had the same belief system, we had so much in common, we were head over heals in love, we spoke about marriage, I'd never felt this way about any other man. He knew about all my health issues and said it would be an honour to "take care of me" and he promised to do just that. I was so happy!

He left for a mission's trip, I wished I could go with him, I talked about how great that would be to experience, to serve but with my health and lack of an immune system, it would most likely mean serious illness or death for me.

When he was on his missions trip, we still managed to talk everyday in video chat even though it either meant he would have to stay up late or I would have to. We were both willingly sacrificing and everything was going great....or so I thought.

Shortly before he was supposed to come back to North America he said he'd been thinking and had decided we shouldn't date anymore because he didn't want to work with people with disabilities (which is my vocation) and that he was planning to go back to South Africa again after he came home for a month or two to renew his work visa. For one thing, I told him I have never heard of couples HAVING to have the same profession. And he never went back to South Africa, although it was a convenient excuse.

He dumped me, after saying he loved me, after promising he'd take care of me, after me always being comepletely transparent about my health needs, because I'm sick. This man who claims to be such a great mature Christian can't even tell me the real reason he dumped me, so I know that is it.

I thought I'd finally found someone to love me, I've always been broken, I thought I found someone who admired the cracks that let the light shine in but apparently I was very very wrong and so what I'm faced with is that I've never been easy to love and I don't think I ever will find someone who can love me. I think he's ruined me because I was so stupid to trust him. I don't understand why I'm still so broken about this. it's been a year, I should be over it, but I'm not. Because I believed him.....lesson learned. My hearts been superglued so many times I don't even carry it around with me somedays, it's easier not to feel.

I don't know if I feel any better but I'm gonna click on submit anyway.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

fruit and despair

It's 3am as I write this propped up on pillows in the bed that I'm currently waging war against. I've been trying to sleep for 4 hours, I've managed 40 minutes.
So here I sit, eating tender juicy peach slices that just yesterday were bought from the grocers as seriously hard lumps like rocks that were masquerading as peaches. It's amazing what one day will do to a peach, it that not true of people too? I have had the pleasure to mentor and see many young people grow into stronger, gentler, calmer, more humble versions of the anxious, overrought, gonna-fix-everyone people that they came as when just joining our community and just beginning to support people with developmental disabilities. They were unripened peaches when they came and they transformed into delightful fruit to nourish others in their journey of life. What a wonderous gift that I have been witness too!!
So I sit here, like a queen surrounded by pillows eating ripe peaches.....the thoughts that come unbiden into ones head in the ugly hours of an unrestful night seem to bruise the fragile peach skin of my psyche. Ugly thoughts that I seem to have to swat away and away like so many fruitflies.....sometimes swatting sucessfully, other times settling into remorse and dispair.

Will I ever be better?
Will I be able to return to the job I love to do?
How will I pay for my meds?
I'm too fat!
How can I loose weight without exercising because I can't really exercise healthwise?
Should I even worry about my weight? Who cares anyway? I have no one to impress!
I have no one......why am I still here? Why don't I put everyone else out of their misery of having to see me suffer (though I try hard to put on a happy face) instead of being so selfish? Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I was dead? Do I really have a purpose? Can anyone truly love me? Are all the people who said with their actions and words that I'm unlovable, loathesome, detestable, unwanted right? Can I really have a life when at least a few of my days a week I'm bedridden or can't leave my house due to pain? Do I keep up the facade of being normal until I crack? What is the point? Should I keep fighting when all my doctors have put me in the box of being a "rarity" from birth and therefore already bruised fruit?

Should I keep this bruised fruit, hoping that some peice of it will be good enough to eat?

Then hope hits me for a brief moment in my despair, in my lament about how bad my fruit is, there is always the pit, plant a new tree, work on a new plan with God, for God and try not to forget it came from bruised fruit.

I'm feeling very bruised tonight. I'm just so alone, even surrounded by others, I have good friends but good friends don't cut it when you've always been told that's all you'll be to anyone.

no one wants me, no one wants the bruised fruit.
God help me.

Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


I thought I'd join the newest craze so I got myself a shiny new Twitter account, for those of you who so desire to read the random musings of my ooh so random mind, feel free to click on to the link to the right!!
WARNING: for those of you who know my real true identity, please keep it to yourself whilst responding to this blog so my secrecy is intacked! thanks so much!

I will blog more soon, as I have a brand new little Eeepc laptop which is lighter and weighs a lot less than a traditional laptop so therefore is much less painful for me!! yay!!

May God bless you all!
REformed girl

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Hi friends,
I'm currently on vacation visiting my brother and his family. He and his wife just had a baby boy June 24. My brother also has a 5 year old from a previous relationship who is visiting this week too (normally he lives with his mommy) as well.
I'm back on narcotics as pain relief, I don't like this situation much but I was very thankful for them yesterday when we went to the waterpark and I spent 2 hours splashing around with the kids (the 5 year old nephew who is my brother's son and my nephew who is 13 and niece who is 10 who are my sister's kids) and not worrying about being in too much pain, even with the activity my pain was only at a 4 or 5 instead of it's usual 8 out of 10. I have payed for it a bit today but it was fun once again being the "fun aunt" I used to be before my health declined.

So I'm at my brother's and I have to say it's pretty awesome being able to play chutes and ladders all day with a 5 year old and being able to hold a brand new baby too!
Happy Sunday!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

Thursday, July 15, 2010


oh my!! last night I didn't sleep! not one moment!! not even with my usually useful sleep meds. I only got 3 hours the night before so I got up this morning at 7am and did a load of laundry and once I had put it outside on the line (we don't have a dryer, nor do we want one) I went to bed til one o'clock this afternoon.
I hope I s
leep tonight!
I'm thankfu
l for good friends who are also insomniacs who kept me company last night.
I hope they s
leep tonight too!
li Deo Gloria
REformed gir

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

the reinvention of me

So it's been really hard for me the past few months, I had to stop working in October due to my health and my profession (as an assistant who cares for and supports 6 people with developmental disabilities in a live in capacity, kind of what I would assume is similar to a housewife but with pay, reportedly not a well-paying job for the amount of work required but something I can throw my heart into as I have no family of my own) was my life and my everything. I have been pleasantly surprised with just how much the people I work with (both the clients and the staff) have become my family of sorts. I have remained a close and respected member of the household, I visit often but I miss them all terribly and the loss of my identity has remained like a steady toothache (or maybe I should compare it, more appropriately, to my chronic pain which is always with me) so that I find myself reinvented.

So what am I?

A Christian, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an enemy, an o
ld woman, a lover, an artist, a strong woman, a weak person, extraordinary, a person who is disabled, not neurotypical, a craftsperson, a child, a smile, a ?, ordinary




li Deo Gloria

REformed anon gir

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

baby's back!

just wanting to let y'all know in cyberland that I'm back!

a few weeks ago I lost an entire week because of a medication reaction but during my brief lucid moments, I remembered and thought fondly of this blog and decided it was time to get back on this horse. I can't possibly update you as to what has gone on in the past few months/year but I'll do what I can to fill in some gaps tomorrow and for the coming weeks.

Thanks for your continued prayers, my fine friends.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl in pain