Thursday, July 29, 2010

to feel or not to feel

I am hoping that by writing this out maybe I can let it go.

I met a really great guy Dec 2008 and we started dating online as he was in Virginia and I am in Canada, we had the same belief system, we had so much in common, we were head over heals in love, we spoke about marriage, I'd never felt this way about any other man. He knew about all my health issues and said it would be an honour to "take care of me" and he promised to do just that. I was so happy!

He left for a mission's trip, I wished I could go with him, I talked about how great that would be to experience, to serve but with my health and lack of an immune system, it would most likely mean serious illness or death for me.

When he was on his missions trip, we still managed to talk everyday in video chat even though it either meant he would have to stay up late or I would have to. We were both willingly sacrificing and everything was going great....or so I thought.

Shortly before he was supposed to come back to North America he said he'd been thinking and had decided we shouldn't date anymore because he didn't want to work with people with disabilities (which is my vocation) and that he was planning to go back to South Africa again after he came home for a month or two to renew his work visa. For one thing, I told him I have never heard of couples HAVING to have the same profession. And he never went back to South Africa, although it was a convenient excuse.

He dumped me, after saying he loved me, after promising he'd take care of me, after me always being comepletely transparent about my health needs, because I'm sick. This man who claims to be such a great mature Christian can't even tell me the real reason he dumped me, so I know that is it.

I thought I'd finally found someone to love me, I've always been broken, I thought I found someone who admired the cracks that let the light shine in but apparently I was very very wrong and so what I'm faced with is that I've never been easy to love and I don't think I ever will find someone who can love me. I think he's ruined me because I was so stupid to trust him. I don't understand why I'm still so broken about this. it's been a year, I should be over it, but I'm not. Because I believed him.....lesson learned. My hearts been superglued so many times I don't even carry it around with me somedays, it's easier not to feel.

I don't know if I feel any better but I'm gonna click on submit anyway.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

No comments: