Friday, August 13, 2010

what a mess!

My mom is an alcoholic, she always has been, she quit once for 2 months and I didn't recognise this awake alive person before me, my mum and I have always been beyond close, I've seen her at her worst when my father first left and my older sibs were gone to school. She's a functional drunk, she gets up, goes to work, and her father was an alcoholic before her. *sigh* so somehow that's made it ok.
I feel like the world's worst daughter but she was so drunk last night, I was trying to get her to go to bed because I knew she would try to have a cigarette while she was half asleep and I've always been afraid of her burning herself (which she has) the couch (which she has) or the house down. She got really beligerant with me. One of the things that has frustrated me to no end is that when my sister or brother are around, my mum tries to keep her drinking to a minimum, but they have families, I don't have a family or a spouse to impress so she doesn't even attempt to be somewhat sober when I come to visit, I feel like a second class citizen in my own family. I don't matter enough.

So last night I wrote her a note when I went to bed and left today before she got home from work saying that I wouldn't be able to visit anymore for a while as I can't watch her slowly kill herself. I was supposed to go this weekend when my sis and nephew and neice were going down to visit mum but I emailed my sis and just explained what had happened and she was super supportive.

I've never fought with my mom, I've always put up with her sh*t, over and over and over again no matter how much she abuses me verbally. I feel so bad for just leaving her a note, I'm so anxious about how she is doing with it, I feel bad for my pa (my stepdad) because he'll probably get the brunt of her wrath. We had a chat this morning because I was crying when I came downstairs (I didn't know he was home) and he started crying when I said that I wasn't going to come visit for a while. I feel so bad. I feel so anxious because I don;t know what is happening. I feel like a rotten person.

But the more I stress, the sicker I get and I'm already dealing with so much, I really didn't need this on top of everything else! I really hope that it might be the catalyst for her to get some help but I'm realistic enough to know it probably won't.

Please pray for me, pray for my mum, pray for my pa, pray for my sis who's gonna be stuck in the middle (I hope not!)

I love my mum, I just don't always like her very much.

Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl


Anonymous said...

I will pray for you.your mom& family.I have a close family member who is an alchoholic too.I went to afew ALANON meetings they helped tremedously.You might want to go and check one out. God be with you,FrancieML.

Reformed Anon. Girl in Pain said...

Thanks Francie!
I've tried the Alanon program here but I found that it was full of emotional vampires that were super negative. I may try again sometime, perhaps they have changed.

Sometimes, because of my health, I have a hard time making it out of the house, especially at nighttime which is when the meetings are.

I try to stay positive, but I get really frustrated when at the meetings people are talking about their housework issues, or gossiping when I have to try so hard just to get out of bed in the morning. I have no problem with people being frustrated in terms of Alcoholism, I think that's why the group is supposed to be there, I think maybe my town's is just broken.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
REformed anon girl

What the Fog said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Leaving a note is probably the best way to have handled it. If you would have tried to talk to her in person, she would most likely just engaged you in an argument, verbally attacked you etc. Sometimes stepping away is the best thing.... and maybe she will take a look at herself, who knows? Take care of yourself, you really need to do that. Prayers and hugs,

Reformed Anon. Girl in Pain said...

Thanks Patti.