Thursday, January 8, 2009


Well my usual fear has been fed today as another test has come back completely normal and my doc puts another tick on her long list of reasons why she thinks I am making this up. So she reluctantly sends me down another bunny trail.

Now let me make this abundantly clear, not many things have been ruled out, nothing really has because she has done so little. I know in a way that this is not her fault but I also know she is not doing much to add to this situation positively.

So I am bummed out. I hop on skype and talk to one of my good friends, Wallis. who also happens to have a undiagnosed condition that causes her quite a bit of pain. She is so helpful, I find her statements so profound and she doesn't even really know it. (she has graciously given me permission)

Wallis - i hope you feel better, maybe a good cry?
          did that yesterday

Me- already did
Wallis -  good
 its well deserved

Acknowledging hurt is sometimes the most comforting thing you can do for a friend in distress. Telling them it's ok to rage and scream and cry because they are safe and loved and not going to be judged is one of the most beautiful ways you can comfort someone.

Many people of the bible cried, there should be no shame in tears, Jesus himself cried in deep anguish at the loss of Lazarus (John 11:28-37)

It brings to mind the song from one of my favorite singers, Holly Cole

Cry (if you want to)

Cry if you want to
I won't tell you not to.
I won't try to cheer you up,
I'll just be here If you want me.
It's no use in keeping a stiff upper lip,
You can weep, you can sleep 
You can loosen your grip.
You can frown, you can drown
And go down with the ship.
You can cry if you want to.

Don't ever apologise venting your pain,
Its something to me you don't need to explain.
I don't need to know why,
I don't think its insane.
You can cry if you want to.
The windows are closed,
The neighbours aren't home,
If its better with me than to do it alone,
I'll draw all the curtains,
And unplug the phone
You can cry if you want to.

You can stare at the ceiling, 
And tear at your hair,
Swallow your feelings,
And stagger and swear.
You can show things and throw things
and I wouldn't care.
You can cry if you want to.
I won't make fun of you.
I won't tell anyone. 
I won't analyze what you do 
Or you should have done.
I won't advise you to go and have fun.
You can cry if you want to.

Well its empty and ugly
And terribly sad.
I can't feel what you feel,
But I know it feels bad.
I know that its real 
And it makes you so mad.
You can cry.
Cry if you want to, 
I won't tell you not to.
I won't try to cheer you up.
I'll just be here if you want me to be near you.

So I'm really upset about this because it means more waiting and more pain and no answers. 

Today, this moment.......... I just need to cry.


Timothy said...

Hang in there, cry if you want to,,,Q

Caf said...

I'm so sorry to hear that! I completely understand the pain of just waiting around for test results only to have them always be negative...and all the while your condition worsens. It is HORRIBLE. I'm glad you had someone to listen, sometimes ya just gotta rant and cry it out. Do you know what the next step will be for you?
-Caf xoxo

Caf said...

Hello Again!
I am redesigning my blog to include a separate links page for blogs and websites relating to RSD and similar conditions. I would love to include a link to your blog. Please drop me an email and let me know if this is OK with you, if so I'd love it if you wanted to write a short (bout 5o words) blurb to go with the link :)
Hope you are feeling better!