Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation [12] 6 and my God.
Psalm 42:5
This was a good reminder to me in my daily readings today. I've been so worried about my mom but I know (or should know I chastise myself) that God has a plan.
I don't know whether to have tentative hope for my mother, she called both of my older siblings yesterday out of the blue, she never calls anyone! And she sounded sober.....maybe this is the catalyst she needed. I said today, I don't care if I ever talk to her again, if that is what she needs to stop slowly killing herself, then I have to be ok with that. But I really hope that is not the case because I miss her very much but want her to be well. I have to look after me right now and trust that maybe, just maybe, she is getting what she needs.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl
ChroniclyRandom
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
diagnoses(es es essss)
I know a lot of my new spoonie friends on twitter have been curious about my diagnoses(es es es lol) and I haven't talked about it before, one component is because what I have is rare, that if you know me through other modes of social networking that you will be able to figure out who I am and I really value my privacy and safety of being anon on this blog. I don't mind so much that people know who I am but that this link could get into the hands of my family or people that I don't necessarily want to read or can't handle my honesty. So if this post helps you unravel the mystery of my identity, feel free to tell me but keep it to yourself otherwise. :) thanks! I know I'm weird about this but I want to be able to write what I want to without people I care about getting mad at me for being honest.
here goes! Welcome to the wonderful wacky unregulated world of ME!
Ok first of all I was born a medical zebra, my parents and docs didn't figure out my stripes until I was around 4. I was born with a brain birth defect that is very rare. Basically in utero things got a little sketchy when my brain was developing and some things didn't develop and somethings developed in the wrong spot! oops! It's called Septo Optic Dysplasia (sometimes known as Optic nerve hypoplasia or De Morsier's syndrome depending on where you live, just to make things a bit more confusing eh? lol) and basically it affected 3 things in the development of my brain.
1) my right optic nerve is severed and growing through my pituitary (see 3) which means I am blind in my right eye. That eye turns inward (called strabismis) and I had it corrected when I was 4 and now that it's turning in again I get botox injections in my eyeball 4x a year as opposed to major surgery. It's a vain thing but I'm a girl and it makes me feel better about myself and my appearance.
2) my septum pelucidum (the midline of your brain in lamens terms) has a hole in it, they aren't quite sure what the SP does exactly but it helps the right and left brain talk to each other and is probably why I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (now I'm being told they don't call it that anymore, it's Asperger's syndrome) and I have learning disabilities (mild dyslexia and moderate dyscalculia) which means sometimes letters are backwards for me, if I get really tired I read books upside down!! it's a fun parlour trick and I love to read!! I am super bad at basic maths, I am thankful for calculators which I use often, for some reason I love triganomitry (sp?) and other maths that are more complex.
3) my pituitary (which is in the base of your brain encased in bone because it's the master gland of all your hormones and glands) doesn't work because of the silly optic nerve running through it. So I have to replace all my hormones synthetically, which is not only expensive but annoying too! All my glands work but they don't recieve signals from my pituitary to turn off and on.
things I have to replace because my pit doesn't work:
-->I've replaced my growth hormone (made by the pit) since I was 4 by injection and I still take it today as it is important for many more functions (muscle mass, blood lipid balance, psychological wellbeing, mental acuteness, cognitive function etc etc) than just linear growth. When I first started taking GH it was from the pituitaries of cadavers before the biosynthetic was made available, so technically I am an organ recipient and therefore can't give blood.
Lack of GH also causes low muscle tone so sometimes it looks as if my head is on sideways because my head gets too heavy for my neck! lol
--> I have Addison's disease because my pit doesn't produce ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone) so my adrenals don't work. I take steroids (prednisone or cortisone) 3 times a day to mimic what my adrenals would put out on their own. When I get sick I have to double or triple my dose because that is what your body would do on its own. You need corticosteroids to regulate your blood pressure and bloodsugars. If I get sick, I get sick very quickly and severely, even with just a common cold. I have injectable meds to get me to the hospital if I can't keep my meds down. I'm generally hospitalized for IV fluids and steroids if I am vomiting, so I avoid barfing at all costs!!
--> I have hypothyroidism because my pit doesn't produce TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) your thyroid regulates your metabolism and when my med levels are off makes me fatigued, makes my skin dry and my hair fall out.
--> I don't make any female hormones (FSH- Follicle stim hormone and LH Leutinising Hormone) so I take meds for that too, I also take these meds because my bones are crap from longterm steroid use and you need them to properly absorb calcium and vitamin D
My hypothalamus doesn't work very well most of the time either, it's kindof weird, sometimes it works, sometimes not so much!
-->I get easily cold or hot and can't regulate my body temp, but I don't sweat so I often can potentially overheat if I am not careful, sometimes I run fevers that are aweful because I essentially have to have an icebath to cool myself down.
-->I go for stretches of time where I am not hungry or I am ravenously hungry. I have no thirst receptor, so I have to make sure I drink enough fluids.
--> I can go for days without sleeping, it's horrible but I just can't sleep but now thanks to my awesome new doc I am on twice the maximum dose of sleepmeds which actually makes me sleep and I can get up and function, though not too early in the morning! If I know I have to get up early I go to bed and take my meds early or I just skip a night. I really do feel better now that I'm getting sleep at night.
SEIZURES- I don't have grandmal seizures anymore (praise God) and haven't had one in 15 years. I do have petitmal and absence seizures but they aren't a big deal at all. Flashing light will trigger a seizure or chain of seizures for me. I also have myoclonic jerks or sleepstarts where I almost get to sleep and my whole body tenses up like I've just been startled really badly. Can you say TRES annoying!
HEIGHT- I am a little person, I'm under 4'10" and love being little. I think it's easier for a girl to be an LP than a guy to be one.
AUTISM- I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism which is now generally called Asperger's Syndrome. I have a hard time with certain textures both in clothes and in food which can easily be avoided. I don't like loud noises and will often wear earplugs to the movies because the volume is too high. I don't have many of the social issues my other friends with AS have, I think that I've just learned tips and tricks and cope. I rarely will look people in the eye but generally you can't tell because I pretend to! hee hee fooled you! I looked at your nose or forehead instead! :)
ALOPECIA - No one knows why but I have something called cyclical alopecia where my hair falls out (worse than when my thyroid meds are too low) and I get bald spots. Normally because of this I keep my hair fairly short because I never know when it's gonna happen and pulling out handfuls of your hair is disconcerting , to say the least! but I'm in a good patch! My hair is super long for me because my brother asked me to grow it for his wedding last year and so I did. I had a really bad case of my hair falling out just before the wedding and I was so upset!! My brother then said the sweetest thing "I don't care if you come bald! as long as your there!" but the hairdressers did a great job and you couldn't even tell I had 2 bald spots about the size of a twoonie!
As if all that fun-ness and chronic awesomeness wasn't enough, I have chronic pain issues. when I was younger the docs just said it was growing pains, when I stopped growing and still had them they called it Idiopathic Chronic Pain Syndrome. Now I believe that it was juvenile fibromyalgia all along. I would just have pain a few times a week, it would start with a sharp pain in my ankle and then it would move to my ankle and knee and then til my whole leg was affected. Advil sometimes helped, so did rubbing my legs together like a cricket or having a scalding bath.
3 years ago I broke my hand very badly and that started a domino affect of chronic pain which is where I'm at today. So far I've been diagnosed with 3 chronic pain issues:
--> Trigeminal Neuralgia which is a pinched nerve in the side of my face, for most people it presents as sharp debilitating pain, but since most of my body is atypical mine only presents that way occaisionally, mostly it comes in the form of feeling like a fish hook has been implanted on the left side of my brain and someone is yanking it up every so often, I get very dizzy and have been known to fall over, which is generally bad for people with osteoperosis! lol
--> Neuropathy which is nerve pain, mostly it feels like my feet are being dipped in boiling hot battery acid, sounds fun eh?
--> and last but not least fibromyalgia which is the biggest bugger of all, what they think happens is people with fibro, after and infection/illness or injury (such as my case) that the persons pain receptors in their brain go haywire and end up telling the person they are in pain constantly when they are physically not. SO I am on a combo of Antidepressants to try to stop this pain but they aren't working yet, not found the right cocktail.
It's very hard to get a diagnosis for anything when you have a rare illness/pituitary problems because docs will try to automatically lump your symptoms into what diagnoseses that you already have, but the blessing in having panhypopitarism (the fancy word for a useless pituitary) is that you get to know your body VERY intimately and you know when something is wrong. I can often tell if my med levels are off, just by how I'm feeling, whether my hair is faling out, if I'm fatigued etc etc.
So there you have it! The blessing in this is I believe chronic illness has made me a more persistant, compassionate, caring person and some of the friends I've made because of chronic illness are some of the nicest, most generous, couragous blessings I've ever met.
Thank you God!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl
here goes! Welcome to the wonderful wacky unregulated world of ME!
Ok first of all I was born a medical zebra, my parents and docs didn't figure out my stripes until I was around 4. I was born with a brain birth defect that is very rare. Basically in utero things got a little sketchy when my brain was developing and some things didn't develop and somethings developed in the wrong spot! oops! It's called Septo Optic Dysplasia (sometimes known as Optic nerve hypoplasia or De Morsier's syndrome depending on where you live, just to make things a bit more confusing eh? lol) and basically it affected 3 things in the development of my brain.
1) my right optic nerve is severed and growing through my pituitary (see 3) which means I am blind in my right eye. That eye turns inward (called strabismis) and I had it corrected when I was 4 and now that it's turning in again I get botox injections in my eyeball 4x a year as opposed to major surgery. It's a vain thing but I'm a girl and it makes me feel better about myself and my appearance.
2) my septum pelucidum (the midline of your brain in lamens terms) has a hole in it, they aren't quite sure what the SP does exactly but it helps the right and left brain talk to each other and is probably why I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (now I'm being told they don't call it that anymore, it's Asperger's syndrome) and I have learning disabilities (mild dyslexia and moderate dyscalculia) which means sometimes letters are backwards for me, if I get really tired I read books upside down!! it's a fun parlour trick and I love to read!! I am super bad at basic maths, I am thankful for calculators which I use often, for some reason I love triganomitry (sp?) and other maths that are more complex.
3) my pituitary (which is in the base of your brain encased in bone because it's the master gland of all your hormones and glands) doesn't work because of the silly optic nerve running through it. So I have to replace all my hormones synthetically, which is not only expensive but annoying too! All my glands work but they don't recieve signals from my pituitary to turn off and on.
things I have to replace because my pit doesn't work:
-->I've replaced my growth hormone (made by the pit) since I was 4 by injection and I still take it today as it is important for many more functions (muscle mass, blood lipid balance, psychological wellbeing, mental acuteness, cognitive function etc etc) than just linear growth. When I first started taking GH it was from the pituitaries of cadavers before the biosynthetic was made available, so technically I am an organ recipient and therefore can't give blood.
Lack of GH also causes low muscle tone so sometimes it looks as if my head is on sideways because my head gets too heavy for my neck! lol
--> I have Addison's disease because my pit doesn't produce ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone) so my adrenals don't work. I take steroids (prednisone or cortisone) 3 times a day to mimic what my adrenals would put out on their own. When I get sick I have to double or triple my dose because that is what your body would do on its own. You need corticosteroids to regulate your blood pressure and bloodsugars. If I get sick, I get sick very quickly and severely, even with just a common cold. I have injectable meds to get me to the hospital if I can't keep my meds down. I'm generally hospitalized for IV fluids and steroids if I am vomiting, so I avoid barfing at all costs!!
--> I have hypothyroidism because my pit doesn't produce TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) your thyroid regulates your metabolism and when my med levels are off makes me fatigued, makes my skin dry and my hair fall out.
--> I don't make any female hormones (FSH- Follicle stim hormone and LH Leutinising Hormone) so I take meds for that too, I also take these meds because my bones are crap from longterm steroid use and you need them to properly absorb calcium and vitamin D
My hypothalamus doesn't work very well most of the time either, it's kindof weird, sometimes it works, sometimes not so much!
-->I get easily cold or hot and can't regulate my body temp, but I don't sweat so I often can potentially overheat if I am not careful, sometimes I run fevers that are aweful because I essentially have to have an icebath to cool myself down.
-->I go for stretches of time where I am not hungry or I am ravenously hungry. I have no thirst receptor, so I have to make sure I drink enough fluids.
--> I can go for days without sleeping, it's horrible but I just can't sleep but now thanks to my awesome new doc I am on twice the maximum dose of sleepmeds which actually makes me sleep and I can get up and function, though not too early in the morning! If I know I have to get up early I go to bed and take my meds early or I just skip a night. I really do feel better now that I'm getting sleep at night.
SEIZURES- I don't have grandmal seizures anymore (praise God) and haven't had one in 15 years. I do have petitmal and absence seizures but they aren't a big deal at all. Flashing light will trigger a seizure or chain of seizures for me. I also have myoclonic jerks or sleepstarts where I almost get to sleep and my whole body tenses up like I've just been startled really badly. Can you say TRES annoying!
HEIGHT- I am a little person, I'm under 4'10" and love being little. I think it's easier for a girl to be an LP than a guy to be one.
AUTISM- I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism which is now generally called Asperger's Syndrome. I have a hard time with certain textures both in clothes and in food which can easily be avoided. I don't like loud noises and will often wear earplugs to the movies because the volume is too high. I don't have many of the social issues my other friends with AS have, I think that I've just learned tips and tricks and cope. I rarely will look people in the eye but generally you can't tell because I pretend to! hee hee fooled you! I looked at your nose or forehead instead! :)
ALOPECIA - No one knows why but I have something called cyclical alopecia where my hair falls out (worse than when my thyroid meds are too low) and I get bald spots. Normally because of this I keep my hair fairly short because I never know when it's gonna happen and pulling out handfuls of your hair is disconcerting , to say the least! but I'm in a good patch! My hair is super long for me because my brother asked me to grow it for his wedding last year and so I did. I had a really bad case of my hair falling out just before the wedding and I was so upset!! My brother then said the sweetest thing "I don't care if you come bald! as long as your there!" but the hairdressers did a great job and you couldn't even tell I had 2 bald spots about the size of a twoonie!
As if all that fun-ness and chronic awesomeness wasn't enough, I have chronic pain issues. when I was younger the docs just said it was growing pains, when I stopped growing and still had them they called it Idiopathic Chronic Pain Syndrome. Now I believe that it was juvenile fibromyalgia all along. I would just have pain a few times a week, it would start with a sharp pain in my ankle and then it would move to my ankle and knee and then til my whole leg was affected. Advil sometimes helped, so did rubbing my legs together like a cricket or having a scalding bath.
3 years ago I broke my hand very badly and that started a domino affect of chronic pain which is where I'm at today. So far I've been diagnosed with 3 chronic pain issues:
--> Trigeminal Neuralgia which is a pinched nerve in the side of my face, for most people it presents as sharp debilitating pain, but since most of my body is atypical mine only presents that way occaisionally, mostly it comes in the form of feeling like a fish hook has been implanted on the left side of my brain and someone is yanking it up every so often, I get very dizzy and have been known to fall over, which is generally bad for people with osteoperosis! lol
--> Neuropathy which is nerve pain, mostly it feels like my feet are being dipped in boiling hot battery acid, sounds fun eh?
--> and last but not least fibromyalgia which is the biggest bugger of all, what they think happens is people with fibro, after and infection/illness or injury (such as my case) that the persons pain receptors in their brain go haywire and end up telling the person they are in pain constantly when they are physically not. SO I am on a combo of Antidepressants to try to stop this pain but they aren't working yet, not found the right cocktail.
It's very hard to get a diagnosis for anything when you have a rare illness/pituitary problems because docs will try to automatically lump your symptoms into what diagnoseses that you already have, but the blessing in having panhypopitarism (the fancy word for a useless pituitary) is that you get to know your body VERY intimately and you know when something is wrong. I can often tell if my med levels are off, just by how I'm feeling, whether my hair is faling out, if I'm fatigued etc etc.
So there you have it! The blessing in this is I believe chronic illness has made me a more persistant, compassionate, caring person and some of the friends I've made because of chronic illness are some of the nicest, most generous, couragous blessings I've ever met.
Thank you God!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl
Friday, August 13, 2010
what a mess!
My mom is an alcoholic, she always has been, she quit once for 2 months and I didn't recognise this awake alive person before me, my mum and I have always been beyond close, I've seen her at her worst when my father first left and my older sibs were gone to school. She's a functional drunk, she gets up, goes to work, and her father was an alcoholic before her. *sigh* so somehow that's made it ok.
I feel like the world's worst daughter but she was so drunk last night, I was trying to get her to go to bed because I knew she would try to have a cigarette while she was half asleep and I've always been afraid of her burning herself (which she has) the couch (which she has) or the house down. She got really beligerant with me. One of the things that has frustrated me to no end is that when my sister or brother are around, my mum tries to keep her drinking to a minimum, but they have families, I don't have a family or a spouse to impress so she doesn't even attempt to be somewhat sober when I come to visit, I feel like a second class citizen in my own family. I don't matter enough.
So last night I wrote her a note when I went to bed and left today before she got home from work saying that I wouldn't be able to visit anymore for a while as I can't watch her slowly kill herself. I was supposed to go this weekend when my sis and nephew and neice were going down to visit mum but I emailed my sis and just explained what had happened and she was super supportive.
I've never fought with my mom, I've always put up with her sh*t, over and over and over again no matter how much she abuses me verbally. I feel so bad for just leaving her a note, I'm so anxious about how she is doing with it, I feel bad for my pa (my stepdad) because he'll probably get the brunt of her wrath. We had a chat this morning because I was crying when I came downstairs (I didn't know he was home) and he started crying when I said that I wasn't going to come visit for a while. I feel so bad. I feel so anxious because I don;t know what is happening. I feel like a rotten person.
But the more I stress, the sicker I get and I'm already dealing with so much, I really didn't need this on top of everything else! I really hope that it might be the catalyst for her to get some help but I'm realistic enough to know it probably won't.
Please pray for me, pray for my mum, pray for my pa, pray for my sis who's gonna be stuck in the middle (I hope not!)
I love my mum, I just don't always like her very much.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl
ChroniclyRandom
I feel like the world's worst daughter but she was so drunk last night, I was trying to get her to go to bed because I knew she would try to have a cigarette while she was half asleep and I've always been afraid of her burning herself (which she has) the couch (which she has) or the house down. She got really beligerant with me. One of the things that has frustrated me to no end is that when my sister or brother are around, my mum tries to keep her drinking to a minimum, but they have families, I don't have a family or a spouse to impress so she doesn't even attempt to be somewhat sober when I come to visit, I feel like a second class citizen in my own family. I don't matter enough.
So last night I wrote her a note when I went to bed and left today before she got home from work saying that I wouldn't be able to visit anymore for a while as I can't watch her slowly kill herself. I was supposed to go this weekend when my sis and nephew and neice were going down to visit mum but I emailed my sis and just explained what had happened and she was super supportive.
I've never fought with my mom, I've always put up with her sh*t, over and over and over again no matter how much she abuses me verbally. I feel so bad for just leaving her a note, I'm so anxious about how she is doing with it, I feel bad for my pa (my stepdad) because he'll probably get the brunt of her wrath. We had a chat this morning because I was crying when I came downstairs (I didn't know he was home) and he started crying when I said that I wasn't going to come visit for a while. I feel so bad. I feel so anxious because I don;t know what is happening. I feel like a rotten person.
But the more I stress, the sicker I get and I'm already dealing with so much, I really didn't need this on top of everything else! I really hope that it might be the catalyst for her to get some help but I'm realistic enough to know it probably won't.
Please pray for me, pray for my mum, pray for my pa, pray for my sis who's gonna be stuck in the middle (I hope not!)
I love my mum, I just don't always like her very much.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl
ChroniclyRandom
Friday, August 6, 2010
a poem-like substance
I wrote this poem last night, when I write most of my poetry when I am unable to sleep because of pain and well, just being me. Hope you enjoy! it is Untitled as all my poems are. here goes!
In dreams.....
Pretty little girl
White dress seems to glow
Against verdant meadows
Brown eyes like a doe
head back laughing
She skips and dances
Eyes so sparkling
With the world's chances
She's so beautiful
Like a swirling butterfly
She sings like a bird
Up to the blue sky
She can do anything
Limitless possibility
So very strong
No such fragility
In reality.....
Pretty little girl
Blue hospital gown
Pale against bleached sheets
Brown eyes cast down
Head back in rest
She secretly dreams
Of where she's free
Instead of ripping at the seems
She's so beautiful
Bravely she fights
Not afraid of anything
Except the lonely nights
She needs help with everything
Struggling with possibility
Of a future stuck and mired
In limitless fragility
As she wins this time
She earns another try
Lips upturn in a smile
Another chance to fly
This has taught her
Love and passion
Enchanting butterfly
Soaring with compassion
Sickness touched her life
Now she helps others
Her companions in arms
Sisters and brothers
Helping to build
A shelter, a community
Where everyone fights together
We help each other be free
Look at the butterflies
See how the dance
A rainbow of colour
Brought together by chance
In dreams.....
Pretty little girl
White dress seems to glow
Against verdant meadows
Brown eyes like a doe
head back laughing
She skips and dances
Eyes so sparkling
With the world's chances
She's so beautiful
Like a swirling butterfly
She sings like a bird
Up to the blue sky
She can do anything
Limitless possibility
So very strong
No such fragility
In reality.....
Pretty little girl
Blue hospital gown
Pale against bleached sheets
Brown eyes cast down
Head back in rest
She secretly dreams
Of where she's free
Instead of ripping at the seems
She's so beautiful
Bravely she fights
Not afraid of anything
Except the lonely nights
She needs help with everything
Struggling with possibility
Of a future stuck and mired
In limitless fragility
As she wins this time
She earns another try
Lips upturn in a smile
Another chance to fly
This has taught her
Love and passion
Enchanting butterfly
Soaring with compassion
Sickness touched her life
Now she helps others
Her companions in arms
Sisters and brothers
Helping to build
A shelter, a community
Where everyone fights together
We help each other be free
Look at the butterflies
See how the dance
A rainbow of colour
Brought together by chance
Friday, July 30, 2010
good newzes
I had a good day on Wednesday! I was still in pain but I didn't use my crutches because my arms where more sore than my legs and it would have hurt more to walk with them then without (hence the need to beg my doc for a scooter or electric chair because my arms can't push a manual chair)
I also have good news about my financial security, thank you to all of you who have been praying! I'll recap for any new friends, I used to work a full time job when I first got chronic 24/7 pain for a bout 2 years but I found that the fatique from not sleeping, the fatigue from working and the pain were just too much and I had to swallow my pride and admit defeat and go on medical leave.'ve been on medical leave since last fall and haven't had an income since March! Thankfully I am blessed that I had some money saved up so that I didn't go too far into debt. I just got approved for my long term disability through my work. I am hoping that maybe if I find a specialist that knows anything that I may be able to go back to work. I'm in a bit of a hard spot though, I can't work full time healthwise and I can't work part time and pay for my meds!! arg! fun times!! I have faith that it'll get all worked out!
I got to go out last night to my favorite store FABRICLAND and the girl there told me how to make a super cheap dressform! yay! I need to start working on my sister's wedding dress that I am making!!
I also got to chat with one of my friends on facebook last night too! It's awesome how much we have in common and how we could just prattle from one comment to the next! The conversation was great! :)
Sorry this is just a rambling post! I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well and in a much better space!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed annon girl
PS o hai to all my new twitter friends!! :) welcome to my little corner of randomness!
I also have good news about my financial security, thank you to all of you who have been praying! I'll recap for any new friends, I used to work a full time job when I first got chronic 24/7 pain for a bout 2 years but I found that the fatique from not sleeping, the fatigue from working and the pain were just too much and I had to swallow my pride and admit defeat and go on medical leave.'ve been on medical leave since last fall and haven't had an income since March! Thankfully I am blessed that I had some money saved up so that I didn't go too far into debt. I just got approved for my long term disability through my work. I am hoping that maybe if I find a specialist that knows anything that I may be able to go back to work. I'm in a bit of a hard spot though, I can't work full time healthwise and I can't work part time and pay for my meds!! arg! fun times!! I have faith that it'll get all worked out!
I got to go out last night to my favorite store FABRICLAND and the girl there told me how to make a super cheap dressform! yay! I need to start working on my sister's wedding dress that I am making!!
I also got to chat with one of my friends on facebook last night too! It's awesome how much we have in common and how we could just prattle from one comment to the next! The conversation was great! :)
Sorry this is just a rambling post! I just wanted to let everyone know I'm alive and well and in a much better space!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed annon girl
PS o hai to all my new twitter friends!! :) welcome to my little corner of randomness!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
to feel or not to feel
I am hoping that by writing this out maybe I can let it go.
I met a really great guy Dec 2008 and we started dating online as he was in Virginia and I am in Canada, we had the same belief system, we had so much in common, we were head over heals in love, we spoke about marriage, I'd never felt this way about any other man. He knew about all my health issues and said it would be an honour to "take care of me" and he promised to do just that. I was so happy!
He left for a mission's trip, I wished I could go with him, I talked about how great that would be to experience, to serve but with my health and lack of an immune system, it would most likely mean serious illness or death for me.
When he was on his missions trip, we still managed to talk everyday in video chat even though it either meant he would have to stay up late or I would have to. We were both willingly sacrificing and everything was going great....or so I thought.
Shortly before he was supposed to come back to North America he said he'd been thinking and had decided we shouldn't date anymore because he didn't want to work with people with disabilities (which is my vocation) and that he was planning to go back to South Africa again after he came home for a month or two to renew his work visa. For one thing, I told him I have never heard of couples HAVING to have the same profession. And he never went back to South Africa, although it was a convenient excuse.
He dumped me, after saying he loved me, after promising he'd take care of me, after me always being comepletely transparent about my health needs, because I'm sick. This man who claims to be such a great mature Christian can't even tell me the real reason he dumped me, so I know that is it.
I thought I'd finally found someone to love me, I've always been broken, I thought I found someone who admired the cracks that let the light shine in but apparently I was very very wrong and so what I'm faced with is that I've never been easy to love and I don't think I ever will find someone who can love me. I think he's ruined me because I was so stupid to trust him. I don't understand why I'm still so broken about this. it's been a year, I should be over it, but I'm not. Because I believed him.....lesson learned. My hearts been superglued so many times I don't even carry it around with me somedays, it's easier not to feel.
I don't know if I feel any better but I'm gonna click on submit anyway.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl
I met a really great guy Dec 2008 and we started dating online as he was in Virginia and I am in Canada, we had the same belief system, we had so much in common, we were head over heals in love, we spoke about marriage, I'd never felt this way about any other man. He knew about all my health issues and said it would be an honour to "take care of me" and he promised to do just that. I was so happy!
He left for a mission's trip, I wished I could go with him, I talked about how great that would be to experience, to serve but with my health and lack of an immune system, it would most likely mean serious illness or death for me.
When he was on his missions trip, we still managed to talk everyday in video chat even though it either meant he would have to stay up late or I would have to. We were both willingly sacrificing and everything was going great....or so I thought.
Shortly before he was supposed to come back to North America he said he'd been thinking and had decided we shouldn't date anymore because he didn't want to work with people with disabilities (which is my vocation) and that he was planning to go back to South Africa again after he came home for a month or two to renew his work visa. For one thing, I told him I have never heard of couples HAVING to have the same profession. And he never went back to South Africa, although it was a convenient excuse.
He dumped me, after saying he loved me, after promising he'd take care of me, after me always being comepletely transparent about my health needs, because I'm sick. This man who claims to be such a great mature Christian can't even tell me the real reason he dumped me, so I know that is it.
I thought I'd finally found someone to love me, I've always been broken, I thought I found someone who admired the cracks that let the light shine in but apparently I was very very wrong and so what I'm faced with is that I've never been easy to love and I don't think I ever will find someone who can love me. I think he's ruined me because I was so stupid to trust him. I don't understand why I'm still so broken about this. it's been a year, I should be over it, but I'm not. Because I believed him.....lesson learned. My hearts been superglued so many times I don't even carry it around with me somedays, it's easier not to feel.
I don't know if I feel any better but I'm gonna click on submit anyway.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl
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