fruit and despair

It's 3am as I write this propped up on pillows in the bed that I'm currently waging war against. I've been trying to sleep for 4 hours, I've managed 40 minutes.
So here I sit, eating tender juicy peach slices that just yesterday were bought from the grocers as seriously hard lumps like rocks that were masquerading as peaches. It's amazing what one day will do to a peach, it that not true of people too? I have had the pleasure to mentor and see many young people grow into stronger, gentler, calmer, more humble versions of the anxious, overrought, gonna-fix-everyone people that they came as when just joining our community and just beginning to support people with developmental disabilities. They were unripened peaches when they came and they transformed into delightful fruit to nourish others in their journey of life. What a wonderous gift that I have been witness too!!
So I sit here, like a queen surrounded by pillows eating ripe peaches.....the thoughts that come unbiden into ones head in the ugly hours of an unrestful night seem to bruise the fragile peach skin of my psyche. Ugly thoughts that I seem to have to swat away and away like so many fruitflies.....sometimes swatting sucessfully, other times settling into remorse and dispair.

Will I ever be better?
Will I be able to return to the job I love to do?
How will I pay for my meds?
I'm too fat!
How can I loose weight without exercising because I can't really exercise healthwise?
Should I even worry about my weight? Who cares anyway? I have no one to impress!
I have no one.....no one......why am I still here? Why don't I put everyone else out of their misery of having to see me suffer (though I try hard to put on a happy face) instead of being so selfish? Wouldn't it be easier for everyone if I was dead? Do I really have a purpose? Can anyone truly love me? Are all the people who said with their actions and words that I'm unlovable, loathesome, detestable, unwanted right? Can I really have a life when at least a few of my days a week I'm bedridden or can't leave my house due to pain? Do I keep up the facade of being normal until I crack? What is the point? Should I keep fighting when all my doctors have put me in the box of being a "rarity" from birth and therefore already bruised fruit?

Should I keep this bruised fruit, hoping that some peice of it will be good enough to eat?

Then hope hits me for a brief moment in my despair, in my lament about how bad my fruit is, there is always the pit, plant a new tree, work on a new plan with God, for God and try not to forget it came from bruised fruit.

I'm feeling very bruised tonight. I'm just so alone, even surrounded by others, I have good friends but good friends don't cut it when you've always been told that's all you'll be to anyone.

no one wants me, no one wants the bruised fruit.
God help me.

Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

Twitter

I thought I'd join the newest craze so I got myself a shiny new Twitter account, for those of you who so desire to read the random musings of my ooh so random mind, feel free to click on to the link to the right!!
WARNING: for those of you who know my real true identity, please keep it to yourself whilst responding to this blog so my secrecy is intacked! thanks so much!

I will blog more soon, as I have a brand new little Eeepc laptop which is lighter and weighs a lot less than a traditional laptop so therefore is much less painful for me!! yay!!

May God bless you all!
REformed girl

Hi friends,
I'm currently on vacation visiting my brother and his family. He and his wife just had a baby boy June 24. My brother also has a 5 year old from a previous relationship who is visiting this week too (normally he lives with his mommy) as well.
I'm back on narcotics as pain relief, I don't like this situation much but I was very thankful for them yesterday when we went to the waterpark and I spent 2 hours splashing around with the kids (the 5 year old nephew who is my brother's son and my nephew who is 13 and niece who is 10 who are my sister's kids) and not worrying about being in too much pain, even with the activity my pain was only at a 4 or 5 instead of it's usual 8 out of 10. I have payed for it a bit today but it was fun once again being the "fun aunt" I used to be before my health declined.

So I'm at my brother's and I have to say it's pretty awesome being able to play chutes and ladders all day with a 5 year old and being able to hold a brand new baby too!
Happy Sunday!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

sleep

oh my!! last night I didn't sleep! not one moment!! not even with my usually useful sleep meds. I only got 3 hours the night before so I got up this morning at 7am and did a load of laundry and once I had put it outside on the line (we don't have a dryer, nor do we want one) I went to bed til one o'clock this afternoon.
I hope I sleep tonight!
I'm thankful for good friends who are also insomniacs who kept me company last night.
I hope they sleep tonight too!
Goodnight!
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed girl

the reinvention of me

So it's been really hard for me the past few months, I had to stop working in October due to my health and my profession (as an assistant who cares for and supports 6 people with developmental disabilities in a live in capacity, kind of what I would assume is similar to a housewife but with pay, reportedly not a well-paying job for the amount of work required but something I can throw my heart into as I have no family of my own) was my life and my everything. I have been pleasantly surprised with just how much the people I work with (both the clients and the staff) have become my family of sorts. I have remained a close and respected member of the household, I visit often but I miss them all terribly and the loss of my identity has remained like a steady toothache (or maybe I should compare it, more appropriately, to my chronic pain which is always with me) so that I find myself reinvented.


So what am I?


A Christian, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an enemy, an old woman, a lover, an artist, a strong woman, a weak person, extraordinary, a person who is disabled, not neurotypical, a craftsperson, a child, a smile, a ?, ordinary

beautiful

broken


His.


Soli Deo Gloria

REformed anon girl

baby's back!

just wanting to let y'all know in cyberland that I'm back!

a few weeks ago I lost an entire week because of a medication reaction but during my brief lucid moments, I remembered and thought fondly of this blog and decided it was time to get back on this horse. I can't possibly update you as to what has gone on in the past few months/year but I'll do what I can to fill in some gaps tomorrow and for the coming weeks.

Thanks for your continued prayers, my fine friends.
Soli Deo Gloria
REformed anon girl in pain

pray

Please pray for me, I'm having a lot of issues with pain and coping.
thank you.
I hope to be up to blogging again soon but tonight, I'm just trying to cope.

Soli Deo Gloria